In the eyes of AOL FanHouse's David Whitley, Colin Kaepernick's tattoos disqualify him from leading a football team.

Image by Bill Feig / AP

The fact that new 49ers starting quarterback Colin Kaepernick has tattoos is about as noteworthy as the fact that he has arms. But according to AOL FanHouse's David Whitley, not only does Kaepernick's ink make him unqualified to be the leader of a professional football team — it also makes him look like a prisoner.

San Francisco’s Colin Kaepernick is going to be a big-time NFL quarterback. That must make the guys in San Quentin happy.

Approximately 98.7 percent of the inmates at California’s state prison have tattoos. I don’t know that as fact, but I’ve watched enough “Lockup” to know it’s close to accurate.

I’m also pretty sure less than 1.3 percent of NFL quarterbacks have tattoos. There’s a reason for that.

This is how Whitley's piece starts. There is no such thing as satire anymore. David Whitley has killed it. What's the reason for why no NFL quarterbacks have tattoos, exactly? Oh, that's right — because everyone with tattoos is IN SAN QUENTIN ON CHARGES OF GENERAL THUGGERY.

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For some reason, US Women's Soccer released a 9-minute HD video of star player Alex Morgan doing yoga. Not that anyone's complaining.

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Our esteemed columnist argues that Aaron Rodgers is Discount Double Done For.

Let me set the scene for you:

It's the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I'm finally sitting down on the couch to watch a football game. (Spent Thanksgiving at my son's mother's place. My second ex-wife. She doesn't like football. That's why she's my EX-wife, and I'm still married to Tatiana. Over there in Russia, they still know how to teach their daughters what "Man Time" means.)

So, I turn on the tube anticipating a great matchup between the Packers and the Giants.

Instead, I got a real turkey.

That was a pathetic effort by the Packers. No heart at all. And it starts with their has-been quarterback, Aaron Rodgers. Stick a carving fork in him, because he's done. Basted.

Last Sunday night, Rodgers was outplayed by a Jim Henson creation in blue. Eli Manning looked like the guy Three Dog Night sang about all those years ago. (JACK, CAN YOU DO THAT THING WHERE YOU MAKE THREE DOG NIGHT BLUE AND IT JUMPS TO THE SONG?) And so when "Eli's Coming," Packer fans better hide their heart, because number 12 isn't on top anymore.

The lady in green.

Image by Adam Hunger / Reuters

In fact, from now on, I'm calling him Sharon Rodgers, because he throws like a girl. Probably developed a limp wrist from talking about belts all the time in those commercials. Since when do football players care so much about fashion? The only fashion item Bart Starr was interested in was rings. Rings and a killer flat top haircut.

Sharon Rodgers isn't the first quarterback to go lame from all the fame. It starts with a big win. Then come the commercials. How many Super Bowls has Tom Brady won since he started selling furry boots?

The fact is teams hold onto these guys too long out of loyalty. Well, guess what. If the Minnesota Vikings offered her more money, Sharon would be in purple before you can say "Cheez Whiz." Teams can't afford to get romantic about these guys. They have to be ready to move on.

And the future of the Packers is out there. He's down at Texas A&M draping his golden arm around cheerleaders, dominating the NCAA, and just waiting for their call. I'm talking about Johnny Football.

(Speaking of the amateur game, how about those Fighting Irish? It's like the ghost of Knute Rockne has woken up the echoes out in the land of Touchdown Jesus. Thanks be to the Gipper!)

Faster than a cheetah, stronger than Lou Ferrigno on steroids, Johnny Manziel — Johnny Football to you — is the heart of the sport in 2012, college or pro level. He's a star, the kind of star you see accepting the Heisman, then leaving to take a bunch of orphans to a Broadway show. (And speaking of Broadway, who do I have to call at Columbia Records to get a cast recording of Robert Goulet's Camelot released on cassette?)

Just last night I watched a few highlights of this kid's game against Alabama. I don't watch Saturday afternoon games because that's time for my after-golf nap — I call it "The Nineteenth Hole" — but I have Brent Musburger's office send me a videotape of the week's best plays.

So I checked this kid out, and let me tell you, it's time for Evander to step aside, because Manziel is the real deal. He's got a Howitzer arm and can jump and juke around like he's on American Bandstand. This kid dodges tacklers like he owes them money. And his leadership? Forget about it. When you beat Alabama that's Tom Selleck-on-Blue Bloods-level leadership.

Now, Johnny Football isn't eligible for the NFL yet. This cut of Texan beef needs one more year of S.E.-seasoning. But after next season, he'll be heading to the big leagues.

And with Ms. Rodgers at the helm, the Packers will probably be looking at a primo draft spot near the top of the board. They need to use it to snatch up Johnny Football — unless they're too busy helping Sharon paint her nails.

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James Harden happily played a sixth-man role in Oklahoma City for three years, and left through no fault of his own. But in his first game back, OKC acted like a drunk ex-boyfriend.

Image by Bob Levey / AP

James Harden has never done wrong by Oklahoma City. He gave the franchise three years of great play, coming off the bench when he could’ve started elsewhere, improving in sync with Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant. Over that stint, Harden established himself as someone who deserved a max contract and, in the right circumstances, could serve as a team leader. The Thunder knew this, and they knew Harden, a ball-dominant scorer, was somewhat redundant with Durant and Westbrook. So Oklahoma City traded him to a team where he could be a number-one guy. They got good players in return, and Harden was happy enough landing with the Houston Rockets to sign an $80 million contract with them.

Wednesday night, James Harden returned to Oklahoma City wearing the jersey of another team, as a budding superstar, the fifth-highest scorer in the league, the lynchpin of the NBA’s youngest squad and one half, along with Jeremy Lin, of an up-and-coming duo that has been featured all over magazines and TV. He’s glamorous and fantastic and intimidating, and he no longer belongs to Oklahoma City.

I’m talking in the language of romance or whatever, which is weird, because ostensibly, we’re talking about basketball. The clothes-rending aftermath of one's first big breakup, though, really gets at what it’s like for a sports city — particularly a pubescent, awkward-stage city like OKC, which is still not really sure how these things are supposed to go — to lose a player it loves. As far as sports-relationship-endings go, Harden’s was tame and relatively uncontroversial. It was an amicable split. And like so many amicable splits, the problems didn’t start until one side saw how famously its ex was getting along with someone new.

Fans cheered for Harden before the game, but cheering for a guy before the game is the kind of platitude that comes easy. You "just want them to be happy." Once the game started, Harden did not receive the same respect, and got booed. And worse: Harden got booed for an altercation with Hasheem Thabeet.

Hasheem Thabeet has been in Oklahoma City for 16 games. A former #2 draft pick, he’s equipped with one skill and one skill only: being 7’3”. Oklahoma City BOOED Harden, and gave a STANDING OVATION to Hasheem Thabeet. When the Oklahoma City crowd booed, they took the immature way out. They were posting a snotty Facebook message about their ex, basically, and then running out and hooking up with Hasheem Thabeet, even though he peaked in college, just because he happened to be in town.

Which is not mature.

Is Oklahoma City a bad fanbase? No. By all accounts, they’re a great one, happy about what the Thunder mean for their town. But Wednesday’s game showed that OKC still has a ways to go in learning how to treat the people it loves.

The Yankees star is looking a little different these days.

Derek Jeter has been rehabbing an injured ankle this off-season, so it's not surprising that he hasn't had time to work out. What is surprising is that he's somehow eaten Alex Rodriguez.

(INFphoto.com)

(INFphoto.com)

(INFphoto.com)

As is usually the case, the New York Post had the most nuanced take on the situation.

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Dwight is the worst.

Dwight Howard recently accepted a shooting challenge from Bailey, the mascot of the Los Angeles Kings. Dwight, the guy who plays basketball for a living, was swiftly dominated.

The incredulous reaction of the news anchor pretty much sums it up: Dwight Howard can't shoot. At all. He lost to a mascot, IN COSTUME, oversized club hands and all. There's a very good chance that everyone who reads this article is a better shooter than Dwight Howard.

Dwight says he threw the competition to "make [Bailey] feel better about himself," which no one actually believes, because Dwight regularly airballs free throws.

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Pinstripes are slimming. But not that slimming.

(INFphoto.com)

(INFphoto.com)

(INFphoto.com)

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I don't know what's more interesting, seeing an eight year old hit a shot from a balcony, or getting to see LeBron's insane house.

Source: youtube.com

It's been 19 years since Derice, Sanka, Yul and Junior's memorable ride in Calgary. Check out what the cast is up to now.

Derice Bannock - Leon

He may have been faster than his father, but Derice never made it to Olympics as a sprinter. Instead he convinced a retired "sled God" to teach a few Jamaicans a new sport. Leon went on to star in Cliffhanger with Sylvester Stallone and Above the Rim with Tupac Shakur and earned an Emmy Nomination for his portrait of Little Richard. After he mastered turn-12 in Calgary the heartthrob became one of those guys who actually dates models. If you look carefully you can spot him on Real Housewives of Atlanta as the baby daddy of Cynthia Bailey's daughter.

BONUS: Born Leon Robinson. He dropped the "Robinson" for a more unique and mysterious stage name, or he had secret ambitions of becoming a Brazilian soccer star.

Sanka Coffie - Doug E. Doug

Sanka was the best pushcart driver in all of Jamaica, but he put his ego aside for the for the sake of the team. The film's comic relief, and soul, appeared to be the break-out comedic star from Cool Runnings, starring in Operation Dumbo Drop alongside Danny Glover and Ray Liotta and then joining the cast of The Cosby Show. However he was quickly reduced to small roles in unknown films and cameos on Law & Order. He was most recently seen as a pastor slash drug dealer on two episdoes of Justified.

Yul Brenner - Malik Yoba

Once he let go of his anger towards Junior for ending his Olympic track dreams the big baldy went on to carve himself a successful, but rather unnoticed, career in film and TV including both of Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married? films. However his most memorable post-Rasta Rocket role is as Ice, the bounty hunter slash caterer from Arrested Development.

Junior Bevil - Rawle D. Lewis

After turning down that lucrative brokerage job at Webster, Webster & Cohen in Miami to make history with his Jamaican brethren in Calgary, Rawle D. Lewis fell off the acting map returning only for a brief appearance in K-PAX. Most recently he was seen taking a picture with YouTube's Sexy Sax Man. Still a badass mother who won't take no crap off of nobody.

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If you haven't given up yet — don't give up! — then these tips are the most important thing you'll read all week.

DO Pick Up Colin Kaepernick

Image by Gerald Herbert / AP

Let me blow your mind real quick: Colin Kaepernick, firmly ensconced as the starting quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers and on a 16/18/19 three-game fantasy-point run, is owned in only 42% of leagues. That's insane. This guy is the starter for one of the league's best teams and a combination run/pass threat, capable of putting up three TDs with relative ease in any given week. And if you're stuck with any number of underperforming quarterbacks, it would be worth snatching him up at least as a safety net for the playoffs.

DON'T Wait For Ben Roethlisberger

Image by Tony Dejak / AP

Waiting For Ben Roethlisberger is the tentative title of my upcoming screenplay about one blue-collar Pittsburgh teenager's coming-of-age, but it's also what you shouldn't be doing as the quarterback recovers from a bizarre and sort of unpredictable rib injury. If you've been relying on Roethlisberger, try and find another option either on waivers (Kaepernick!) or on your bench — I would assume that, in most leagues, the trade deadline has come and gone, but if not, there's that option as well.

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Man, who keeps chopping onions near my computer?

This is Anthony Starego. He is a senior at Brick High School in New Jersey. He's also autistic.

Anthony has been a die-hard Rutgers football fan for most of his life. He can often be found in the stands throwing out Twizzlers every time the Scarlet Knights score.

It was a cool moment, but more importantly, it was one that changed Anthony's life forever.

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Note to self: Never ride a bike on a treadmill.

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The Nedbank Golf Challenge in South Africa was just hijacked by mobs of animals.

The Nedbank Golf Challenge is usually a light-hearted unofficial event in South Africa, hosted by the Gary Player Country Club. This year, the wildlife has reclaimed the land.

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Source: golfchannel.com

Getty also had some gorgeous shots from the course featuring the local wildlife.

Image by Warren Little / Getty Images

Image by Warren Little / Getty Images

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This is a sad, confusing story.

KCTV in Kansas City is reporting that at approximately 8 a.m. this morning a member of the Kansas City Chiefs shot and killed his girlfriend. (There have been some online reports saying that she is in critical condition, but Kansas City Police Department confirms to BuzzFeed Sports that she was killed.) He then drove to the team practice facility, and shot himself in the facility's parking lot.

According to Fox's Jay Glaser, the team has been called down to the stadium to meet.

Source: @JayGlazer

The Chiefs have released a statement confirming that there was an incident at Arrowhead Stadium this morning.

KCPD tells BuzzFeed Sports that the player pulled into the parking lot and parked "oddly" which raised the concerns of security. A group of coaches and team officials including general manager Scott Pioli went out to the lot and spoke with the player, who was holding a gun to his head. At that point the player thanked them for everything they'd all done for him. When police arrived on the scene they heard a gun shot.

CBS Sports' Jason La Confora reports that the player involved is 25-year-old linebacker Jovan Belcher.

Officials from the KCPD have yet to release the identities of either the shooter or the victim, telling BuzzFeed Sports only that the shooter was a 25-year-old black man who plays for the Chiefs and the victim a black woman in her early 20s.

Source: @JasonLaCanfora

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Oh, come on!

Initial reports out of Kansas City about a brutal murder-suicide committed by one of the Chiefs players have withheld the player's name. (You can read more about the incident here.) This led many on Twitter to worry it was running back Jamaal Charles. Why? Fantasy Football.

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Groundskeeper Eric Eucker's body was found Saturday morning — the same day of the Kansas City Chiefs' tragic murder-suicide .

Eric Eucker, a groundskeeper for the Cleveland Browns, hanged himself in the team's training facility Saturday, according to multiple reports. The Cleveland Plain-Dealer's Browns beat writer, Mary Kay Cabot, has a statement from the Browns regarding Eucker's death.

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Wow. This photo from Halloween shows the Spurs stars pointing toy guns at someone dressed as NBA ref Joey Crawford. There's not much love lost between the Spurs and Crawford , but this is still shocking. Countdown to an epic fine…

Source: reddit.com

Tim Duncan is typically seen as one of the NBA's good guys. Controversy rarely encircles the legendary forward. That's about to change. This photo depicting Duncan and teammate Tony Parker pointing toy guns at someone dressed as NBA Ref Joey Crawford at a Halloween party this year (see other photos from the same party here) surfaced on Reddit this weekend (according to that thread Duncan was dressed as The Punisher and Parker was Nick Fury). Crawford and the Spurs have a history of controversy dating back to moments like this one when the ref ejected Duncan for laughing.

Source: youtube.com

But even with that history, this photo seems out of character for Duncan. Regardless, considering the amount the Spurs were fined this week for resting their players for a nationally televised game ($250,000), you have to imagine both Duncan and Parker will be facing massive fines from the league as well as suspensions. After all, David Stern is not known for his sense of humor. Plus if he fines people for even questioning a ref, what happens when you pretend to put a gun to one? And don't forget, JR Smith was fined for tweeting a picture of a woman's butt. This is worse.

Remember when the Spurs were boring?

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Three interceptions. 97 yards. 0 points. Come along with us on a ride around the carousel of Mark Sanchez's life.

This is NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez. Mark's been having a rough season. The Jets suck, and Sanchez has been one of the league's worst starting QBs — 55% completion rate, 10 interceptions.

Image by Al Bello / Getty Images

Today, Sanchez and the Jets faced the Arizona Cardinals. It didn't go well.

Image by Al Bello / Getty Images

He threw an interception on his first pass of the day.

He threw another interception before the first quarter even ended.

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The Chiefs were forced to play the day after their linebacker tragically murdered his girlfriend and then shot himself in front of his coach and GM. Under the shadow of tragedy, the lowly team from Kansas City found a way to persevere.

Scott Pioli and Romeo Crennel stand together before the game. The two men had been with Javon Belcher when he committed suicide.

Image by Ed Zurga / AP

The defense that Belcher had anchored for the last three years took a moment to themselves in the tunnel before kickoff.

Image by Jamie Squire / Getty Images

Kansas City Chiefs owner Clark Hunt embraced Pioli before the game.

Hunt said of the last 24 hours: "I spent the evening last night at the team hotel with them. I wanted to be there with the team, with the coaches, to let them know I love them and support them and know what they're going through, and particularly the guys who were present in the parking lot when Jovan took his life. I know this has to be incredibly difficult."

Image by Jamie Squire / Getty Images

Hunt also embraced Crennel before the game.

Hunt added: "We lost two members of the Chiefs family. Kasandra (Javon's girlfriend) was part of our Chiefs women's organization, and had done things in the community with the CWO group. They have a daughter now, Zoey, who is an orphan. I can't imagine how difficult that's going to be for her."

Image by Jamie Squire / Getty Images

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During last night's Sunday Night Football broadcast on NBC, the famed sportscaster — quoting Jason Whitlock — took a stand on gun control.

During halftime of last night's game, Bob Costas took a minute to address the Javon Belcher situation, and gun control.

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Many on Twitter were furious with Costas...

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