Get your finest gazunder ready — it’s time for some goddang dwile flonking.
There are other sports outside of America. Whaaaa?! I know. Pretty unbelievable, right? But it's true. In fact, some of those sports are even more hardcore than what we have here in the States.
Fierljeppen
Origin: The earliest known record dates back to the year 1200 with the first official match held in 1771.
What Is It? Competitors in this North Sea game sprint to a pole between eight and 13 meters long, jump and grab the pole, then climb it and try to control themselves over a body of water and into a sand bed on the opposite side of the starting point. The winner is determined by distance jumped.
Fun Fact: The current Dutch record for distance jumped is 21.51 meters, or roughly 70 feet.
Dwile Flonking
Origin: The earliest known game of dwile flonking took place in 1966 in a small town in England, though some speculate the game dates even further back than that.
What Is Itt? Dwile Flonking is like duck, duck, goose for grown-ups. It starts with a group of participants on the outside of a circle — girters — and a man in the middle, a flonker. The girters then dance (or walk) around the circle, while the flonker dips his dwile-tipped pole (think of a mop with a rag on the end) into a bucket of beer in the middle of the circle and walks in the opposite direction. The flonker them must flonk his dwile at them — launch the rag at someone on the outside.
If he misses, it's a "swage," and the flonker must then chug a beer from his gazunder (large mug) before the wet dwile has passed from hand to hand amongst the girters, who have now stopped girting (dancing or walking). If the wet dwile makes its way around the circle before the flonker finishes his beer, the girters get a point, and the game continues in the same fashion.
If the flonker hits his target, the girter who was hit must then chug a beer, as the flonker races around the circle, slapping each girter with his dwile. If the flonker completes his circle run before the girter finishes his beer, the flonker gets a point.
Just your typical dwile-girter-flonking game.
Fun Fact: A sugar beet is tossed to determine who is going to flonk first.
Calcio Fiorentino
Origin: No one's really sure when the first game was actually played, but some believe the origins go all the way back to the 5th century. Official rules were established in the 16th century.
What Is It? Picture rugby mixed with MMA mixed with the prison from The Dark Knight Rises. Two teams of 27 players try to score a goal by throwing or kicking the ball over a designated spot on the field (a 100-by-50 meter sand pit). And since there are very few rules, players can do just about anything to defend their goal (i.e. head-butting, punching, elbowing, choking, and kicking).
Fun Fact: Annual games still take place in Florence, Italy, in the third week of June.