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The 10 Qualities That Made A Great Nickelodeon Champion

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Do-do-do-do you have it? The necessary qualifications to become a Nickelodeon champion.

Back in the day, Nickelodeon was the shit. And I mean The. Shit. Its magazine was dope, its Gak was crazy, and its shows were some of the best television events in the history of ever.

And if you were a kid growing up in the '90s, you most definitely wanted to be on one of the following shows: Guts, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Double Dare, Figure It Out, What Would You Do?, and/or Wild & Crazy Kids. And if you didn't want to be on one of those shows, you were probably picked last in kickball and should work on your hand-eye coordination.

Anyway, after spending way too much time thinking about the above programming, I'm ready to impart some practical wisdom onto the world. So let's take a look at the 10 Things That Make a Nickelodeon Champion:

Don't fuck up the Shrine of the Silver Monkey.

Don't fuck up the Shrine of the Silver Monkey.

You would think arranging a three-piece monkey statue would be a simple task, but it is apparently the most difficult mission in the world. It's like The Da Vinci Code for kids, only not that hard to solve. Seriously, you guys, IT'S THREE F*CKING PIECES!

Remember to hit all the actuators on the Aggro Crag.

Remember to hit all the actuators on the Aggro Crag.

Pop quiz: What's the toughest part about scaling the Super Ultra Mega Aggro Crag? Answer: The actuators.

Sure, the avalanche of boulders was intimidating, but those boulders were probably fake. The light-'em-up actuators, on the other hand, were all too real. And for some reason, "Bobby in blue" would blindly race up the mountain and inevitably miss one of those bad boys, forcing him to climb back down and do it all over again.

You're so stupid, Bobby!

Be on the Silver Snakes or the Blue Barracudas.

Be on the Silver Snakes or the Blue Barracudas.

If you were on the Purple Parrots, you might as well just give up at The Moat stage, collect your chocolate milk, and go home, because there was no chance of you winning this thing. Everybody knows the Silver Snakes and Blue Barracudas were the only teams to ever complete the Temple Run and collect the grand prize.

There aren't any stats to back up that statement, but we can all agree that it is, indeed, very true.


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