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Millionaire Uses An Old-Ass Cellphone

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Andrew Luck has a cellphone that's older than he is. Approximately.

Andrew Luck plays quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts. He's very good at it — his presence as a rookie was the main reason Indy went from 2-14 in 2010 to 11-5 last year. He's also a millionaire at 23 years old.

Andrew Luck plays quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts. He's very good at it — his presence as a rookie was the main reason Indy went from 2-14 in 2010 to 11-5 last year. He's also a millionaire at 23 years old.

Via: Marcio Jose Sanchez / AP

This is his cell phone.

This is his cell phone.

Of course, having this phone doesn't prove that Andrew Luck is humble or anything. The only thing this phone really proves is that Andrew Luck doesn't work in a career where he has to check his email. For all we know, Luck could be sending texts with that machine that make Tiger Woods look like a Victorian minister.

But it's still funny.


This Looks Like Kristen Bell Kicking Alec Baldwin In The Face (It's Not)

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Celebrities. They're just like us (?).

You guys know Kristen Bell.

You guys know Kristen Bell.

Great on Party Down and Veronica Mars. Works with Don Cheadle on House of Lies.

Great on Party Down and Veronica Mars . Works with Don Cheadle on House of Lies .

Has a baby with Dax Shepard.

Has a baby with Dax Shepard.

Kicks Alec Baldwin in the face.

Kicks Alec Baldwin in the face.


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Why You Should Never Take Photos With Your iPad

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Let this be a lesson to everyone.

Oh look, it's a grandpa taking a photo of his granddaughter with an iPad. Isn't that nice?

Oh look, it's a grandpa taking a photo of his granddaughter with an iPad. Isn't that nice?

Nope! No matter what the circumstances, it always looks super dumb to take pictures with an iPad.

At a wedding...

At a wedding...

Source: twitpic.com

Trying to look sexy...

Trying to look sexy...

Source: uncoached.com


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30-Person Skiing Backflip

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Woah. A group of 30 people in Quebec have attempted a world record for the having the most people do a backflip on skis while holding hands.

Source: youtube.com

Dennis Rodman Is A Crucial FBI Asset*

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*He says.

During a recent appearance at charity event, Dennis Rodman told the Miami Herald that he has met with the FBI regarding the ongoing situation in North Korea. After the controversy and skepticism surrounding his trip to visit Kim Jong Un in February, the NBA Hall of Famer is now an FBI informant of sorts.

They wanted to know what went on and who's really in charge in North Korea... I know what Kim Jong Un is threatening to do regarding his military muscle. I hope it doesn't happen because America will take whatever actions to protect America and our allies.

Meaning this bizarre bromance is sadly, probably coming to an end. It was beautiful while it lasted.

Meaning this bizarre bromance is sadly, probably coming to an end. It was beautiful while it lasted.

Via: HANDOUT / Reuters

He's a good guy to me. As a person to person, he's my friend.


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April Is The Cruelest Month...Of The Baseball Season

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What T.S. Eliot was really talking about in that long poem he wrote…

After a long, cold, baseball-less winter, baseball finally arrives, and we’re happy...

After a long, cold, baseball-less winter, baseball finally arrives, and we’re happy...

Via: @mlb

But soon madness sets in...

But soon madness sets in...

Your team starts 0-2...

Your team starts 0-2...

Your favorite player is hitting half his weight...

Your favorite player is hitting half his weight...


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10 Baseball Fans Who Should Be Given Major League Contracts

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Sometimes the most exciting play in the ballpark happens in the stands. And whether you're on the phone, carrying drinks back to the seats, or holding your infant, you have got to be ready to make the play.

This fan catches a foul ball while on the phone and does not flinch. VERY boss.

Source: youtube.com  /  via: youtube.com

Daddy effortlessly catches foul ball while holding toddler.

Source: youtube.com  /  via: youtube.com

This superfan heads to concession for drinks and returns to the seats with drinks and homerun ball.

Source: youtube.com

Foul ball beer catch and foul ball beer chug. What a modern day hero looks like.

Source: youtube.com


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Let's Review Some High Points Of Legendary Nutcase Rasheed Wallace's Career

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The King Of Technical Fouls is retiring.

Rasheed Wallace, one of the NBA's goofiest and most beloved/reviled players, retired today, just as his Knicks are about to face the Celtics in the playoffs.

Rasheed Wallace, one of the NBA's goofiest and most beloved/reviled players, retired today, just as his Knicks are about to face the Celtics in the playoffs.

Via: Adam Hunger / Reuters

In his honor, let's take a tour through Sheed's super weird career.

EARLY CAREER: Pretty much all summed up by the time that he got ejected for staring at a ref.

Source: youtube.com

There's also that time he and Damon Stoudamire were pulled over for speeding in Stoudamire's yellow Hummer while smoking weed, but we'll focus on the staredown.


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Derek Jeter's Glowing High School Scouting Report

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“This guy is special.”

This morning, Jeff Idelson, the President of the Baseball Hall of Fame, tweeted a Colorado Rockies scouting report from 1992 praising a young shortstop from Kalamazoo Central High School with a lot of potential.

Source: @HallofFamePrez

Sometimes scouts get it right.

Star Pitcher, Asked About Boston Marathon, Answers "Obama Wants To Take Our Guns"

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Oh, Jonathan Papelbon.

Yesterday, former Red Sox star and current Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon was asked if, in light of the bombing in Boston, he feels safe as a professional athlete performing in front of large crowds.

He started off well, expressing some natural uneasiness.

He started off well, expressing some natural uneasiness.

Via: Matt Slocum / AP

He continued well. Talking about how things are just in general crazy right now. And how that's unnerving.

He continued well. Talking about how things are just in general crazy right now. And how that's unnerving.

Via: Drew Hallowell / Getty Images

Then things went a little off the rails.

Then things went a little off the rails.

Via: David Maialetti/Philadelphia Daily News/MCT


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The Lakers' Unhinged, Maniac, Disappointing-But-Not-Disappointing Season (Maybe) Ends Tonight

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How fitting that it all comes down to a single game (against Jeremy Lin) for the league's most melodramatic squad.

Via: Mark J. Terrill / AP

At the beginning of the 2012-13 NBA season, the Lakers' roster seemed so daunting. It wasn't a question of whether they'd make the Finals; it was whether they could beat the Heat. Some pundits thought they'd win 70 games. Reasonable people thought these things sincerely.

Obviously, none of this happened. Instead, the Lakers had one of the more fraught campaigns in NBA history. What happened? Well, let's review.

— They lost all of their preseason games, which at the time seemed like a fluke, then rapidly started to seem like less of a fluke.

— Kobe Bryant got coach Mike Brown fired. (Also, starting 1-4 got coach Mike Brown fired.)

— Kobe told Pau Gasol that he needed to "put [his] big-boy pants on," and then, when the Lakers lost shortly thereafter, an announcer said the Lakers had "just pooped their big-boy pants."

— Everyone hated Dwight Howard, ostensible superstar center, for being a kind of preening blowhard.

— The team realized it was "old as shit."

— Dwight, Kobe, and Coach Mike D'Antoni, who replaced Mike Brown, staged an unbelievably awkward photo-op that was supposed to play on the notion that they hated each other but instead just made them look dumb.

— Kobe lost his mind on Twitter.

— Kobe played Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" on a piano.

— Owner Jerry Buss, the one guy besides Kobe in the organization who had proved himself dependable and competent, passed away.

— Someone stole Kobe's towel.

— and Kobe Bryant tore his Achilles, potentially ending his career.

Along the way, the notion of the Lakers making the playoffs went from "guaranteed" to "they'll turn it around" to "maybe they won't turn it around" to "holy Kareem, they're actually not going to turn it around" to "OK, they've sort of turned it around" to where they are right now, which is at the precipice, toes dangling.

Tonight, the Lakers play James "Jim" Harden and Jeremy Lin and the shocking Houston Rockets, riding high on their surprise playoff berth. The Rockets are looking to lock up the West's seventh seed. Even if L.A. wins, and wins easily, they will still enter the playoffs in a vastly different position than they were expected to six months ago, as its lowest seed; plus, with Kobe and with Steve Nash still hobbled — hell, even with those two both 100% healthy — they're going to lose in four to the San Antonio Spurs.

If the Lakers lose, and the Utah Jazz beat the Memphis Grizzlies earlier in the night: well, then the Lakers are going home. Dwight Howard, who left a playoff-caliber Orlando team he claimed was filled with "players nobody wanted" for the Lakers, is going home; Steve Nash, who left the Suns to pursue his last chance at winning a championship, is going home. Metta World Peace is going home, but that's whatever.

It couldn't happen any other way.

The Ultimate Ode To Beer Vendors

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Let's take a second to thank the real heroes.

It's time to recognize and salute the men and women who make coming to the ballpark special.

It's time to recognize and salute the men and women who make coming to the ballpark special.

Via: RALPH D. FRESO / Reuters

Those stair-climbing mind readers who always know what you need.

Those stair-climbing mind readers who always know what you need.

Via: Morry Gash / AP

The daredevils who literally bend over backwards to make you smile.

The daredevils who literally bend over backwards to make you smile.

Via: PATRICK SMITH / Reuters

You hear their euphoric howl from the nose-bleed seats...

You hear their euphoric howl from the nose-bleed seats...

Via: Ed Andrieski / AP


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The Most Depressing Fact About Cleveland

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And boy, there are a lot to choose from.

The Miami Heat:

The Miami Heat:

Via: David Santiago/El Nuevo Herald/MCT

The Cleveland Cavaliers:

The Cleveland Cavaliers:

Via: Tony Dejak / AP

Via: Michael Conroy / AP

Via: Tony Dejak / AP


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Kobe Bryant Seems To Be Enjoying Painkillers

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Silly Kobe.

Last night, in the middle of the night, Kobe instagrammed the following image.

Last night, in the middle of the night, Kobe instagrammed the following image.

It's a clever play off of the fact that he just tore his Achilles and his Kobe System "Dominate List."

It's a clever play off of the fact that he just tore his Achilles and his Kobe System "Dominate List."

That's all fine and good, but his caption he wrote with it? I think somebody is enjoying those pain killers.

That's all fine and good, but his caption he wrote with it? I think somebody is enjoying those pain killers.

Oh, Kobe. You so silly.

Oh, Kobe. You so silly.


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Here Are 17,000 Hockey Fans In Boston Singing The National Anthem

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The first Bruins game in Boston since Monday's attacks started off with a rousing, emotional display.

Rene Rancourt, the Boston Bruins' longtime national anthem singer, had a little help from his friends tonight. (Warning: It may get a bit dusty.)

Via: video.nhl.com


The NBA's Forgotten Stars, aka A Reminder That Chris Bosh Is Way Better Than Shane Battier

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If you're not a super-duper star or a scrappy role player, you might as well jump off Irrelevance Bridge into the Ocean of Anonymity.

Who's that tall guy next to Ron Burgundy?

Via: Christopher Polk / Getty Images

Watch any Miami Heat game on national television and listen to the way the announcers talk about the team's players. They'll often elegize LeBron James' inhuman greatness, and with good reason — the "man" is a cyborg alien robot created to dominate the NBA. When they finish with LeBron, they'll start to talk about how many contributions Shane Battier makes that will never show up in the box score. They might mention the brilliance of Dwyane Wade, a superstar cyborg alien in his own right, then soliloquize the heart and toughness of reserve forward Udonis Haslem. For the most part, there'll be nary a word about Chris Bosh unless he plays a particularly spectacular game. And that's the general rule of thumb for talking about the NBA. Super-duper stars are at the forefront of the conversation, and whatever breath is left over is reserved for role players with a penchant for making clever hustle plays. "Secondary stars" may as well not exist.

Some guys, like Steve Kerr, Robert Horry, and Derek Fisher, have made entire careers — and post-career careers — out of being useful bit players on successful teams. Objectively speaking, Robert Horry is a decidedly inferior player to, let's say, Indiana's David West. West is a more skilled offensive player, just as good (if not better) defensively, and just as unselfish as Horry, the consummate good teammate. But West will likely retire into obscurity save for true NBA die-hards, even though he's a better player than Big Shot Bob, whose late-game exploits made him a borderline-household name.

Why the NBA conversation forms this way is an interesting question. To identify the answer, one must first dig all the way down to the very reasons humans interact with each other. Why did the cavemen and cavewomen have conversations? Why did they paint on the walls? Why does man seek out his brother?

One simple answer to that question is that we communicate to entertain, and to inform, usually in that order. And we talk about superstars to entertain. LeBron James is the best player in the world, playing for the best team in the world. He could have the personality of a filing cabinet and still lead SportsCenter every night, simply because he's spectacular and dominant. We want to watch and hear about the best. Meanwhile, we talk about the role players because of the urge to inform. Or, that is, those who know their stuff talk about role players to inform the rest of us. The media doesn't need to "inform" us that LeBron James is good at basketball. We already know that. But some fans might not be aware of the ways role players can help win games. So the experts are there to offer perspective, and in some cases, exaggerate their enthusiasm to make a point. That's how you end up with a 9,000-word feature on Shane Battier in The New York Times or ESPN's Jeff Van Gundy proclaiming that he wants to adopt Kirk Hinrich, or Bill Simmons in his Book of Basketball asserting that Horry deserves a spot in the Hall of Fame.

Chris Bosh doesn't quite fit under either of those umbrellas. Neither did Lamar Odom for the championship Lakers, Manu Ginobili for the mid-decade Spurs, Tyson Chandler for today's Knicks, or a slew of other "secondary stars" from around the league. Those guys, though obviously not completely anonymous, get left out of the hype cycle.

Let's give David West all of Robert Horry's money!

Via: Paul Connors / AP

But these players, lest we forget, can still be the best at what they do. Take Bosh as an example. His combination of skills are unique in today's NBA and perhaps not matched by any player in history. First, he shoots an unheard of 52.8% on long two-point jump shots (from 16-23 feet). The league average on those shots hovers around 38%. However, when teams rotate back and close out on his jump shot, he's able to put the ball on the floor and attack the rim, where he converts 74.8% of his attempts. For reference, here's the list of current players that shoot at least 50% on long twos AND at least 70% at the rim:

1. Chris Bosh
2. (empty)
3. (empty)
4. (empty)
5. (empty)

That's it. That's the whole list. That's amazing.

Jeff Van Gundy no doubt knows this about Chris Bosh. But neither Van Gundy nor the producers of SportsCenter think they have the luxury to explore this kind of thing in depth. It's not as spectacular as showing a replay of LeBron nor as clever as showing Shane Battier sneaking into open shooting position three passes before the ball finds him. It's understandable that this happens, but that doesn't mean we're not missing out on some of the fun of basketball when we fail to celebrate or appreciate the unique excellence of world-class athletes like Bosh, or Chandler, or West. They might not have the all-around game to become LeBron-level stars, but they are spectacular at the things they do well. And they ultimately are more important to their teams than the role players, so anyone looking to understand the game — to be informed — is advised not to forget about them either.

I would be remiss if I didn't point out that we're still making progress as a basketball-appreciating civilization. When we think back to the great Chicago Bulls teams of the 1990s, most people only reference Jordan, Pippen, and coach Phil Jackson. The overwhelming majority of the populace wouldn't be able to tell you the Shane Battier/Derek Fisher/Robert Horry equivalent of the 1991 Bulls, or even be able to hazard a guess if asked (the correct answer: John Paxson — yes, I need to get out more). Maybe this means that the parameters of the conversation are expanding — raising the level of conversation from "only the star player matters" to "the star player and these role players matter." The next step, obviously, is "all the players matter."

So the next time you find should yourself in a rousing debate about the inner workings of a professional basketball team, take some time to talk about the stars, take some time to talk about the ninth man, but don't forget everyone in between. David West needs some love too.


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This Is The Worst Possible Time To Tie Your Shoe

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Mirza, buddy — you've got other things to worry about.

How do you really know a game is pointless? When stuff like this happens. The Nets hosted the Pistons in their last game of the regular season, and Mirza Teletovic got a little...distracted.

How do you really know a game is pointless? When stuff like this happens. The Nets hosted the Pistons in their last game of the regular season, and Mirza Teletovic got a little...distracted.

Instead of actually, you know, playing basketball, Teletovic decided to just tie his shoe on a Pistons free throw. So Andre Drummond threw the ball down hard, right in Teletovic's face.

Instead of actually, you know, playing basketball, Teletovic decided to just tie his shoe on a Pistons free throw. So Andre Drummond threw the ball down hard, right in Teletovic's face.

Just watch Teletovic realize he's completely out of the basketball play happening around him. It's like he came out of a trance.

Just watch Teletovic realize he's completely out of the basketball play happening around him. It's like he came out of a trance.

Look: falling asleep on the job, it happens to the best of us. Just ask this bunny.

Look: falling asleep on the job, it happens to the best of us. Just ask this bunny.


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Can Jose Canseco Time Travel?

Badass Former Baseball Star Joins The Ballet, Remains Badass

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Future Hall of Famer Mike Piazza seems to be enjoying his retirement.

Mike Piazza was arguably the greatest hitting catcher in the history of the MLB, but (fairly weak) rumors of steroid use kept him from being a first-ballot Hall of Famer this year. The Hall of Fame voting committee doesn't meet again until next January. In the meantime Piazza has picked up a new hobby...

BALLET, MOTHERFUCKER!

BALLET, MOTHERFUCKER!

Via: Lynne Sladky / AP

In a video interview with the Associated Press, Piazza spoke about his upcoming appearance in the Miami City Ballet's production of Slaughter on Tenth Avenue.

Via: Lynne Sladky / AP


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Michael Jordan's "Flu Game" May Have Been A Utah Pizza Conspiracy

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There has been a lot of speculation of late that Michael Jordan's “flu game” didn't actually involve the flu.

Via: Brian Bahr / Getty Images

Michael Jordan's "flu" game is to basketball what the Trojan Horse is to Western civilization: a story of legendary importance and dubious details. (Did Aristotle actually jump out of an enormous hollow horse before defeating the Persians in a juggling competition? We'll probably never really know.) And recent revelations have once again raised the subject of why Jordan looked so near-death as he poured in 38 points to help beat the Utah Jazz by two in Game 5 of the 1997 NBA Finals. Here's a roundup of the going theories.

He actually just got sick.

He actually just got sick.

Via: circasassy

By all accounts, the day of Game 5, Jordan was physically an absolute mess. According to ESPN, Bulls doctors diagnosed him with either food poisoning or an intestinal stomach virus, and Jordan claimed to be so sick that he felt like he was going to die. He lost several pounds that day; he could barely sit up on the bench; but in the second and fourth quarters, he scored 17 and 15 points, including the go-ahead three-pointer, which gave him 38 total and won the game for Chicago.


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