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Everyone's Going To Hate New York's Soccer Team And That's Great

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America’s up-and-coming league gets its own version of the Yankees.

Obafemi Martins of the Seattle Sounders.

Via: Ted S. Warren / AP

Major League Soccer is putting a team in New York City in 2015. People will hate this team. And that's great.

MLS does claim that New York City FC is their second NYC team after the Red Bulls, but walking around New York, you're less likely to see Red Bulls gear than that of any number of European clubs. And the Red Bulls play in Harrison, New Jersey, which, though a soccer haven in and of itself, is noticeably outside of the city's bounds. Actually having a New York team in New York will be a boon for MLS both inside the city, where it will harness New Yorkers' famous narcissism and sense of superiority, and outside, where it will harness Americans' famous loathing of New Yorkers' narcissism and sense of superiority.

One of Major League Soccer's biggest problems, obviously, is that that a better version of its sport can be found elsewhere. It's a problem that the NFL, MLB, and NBA do not face, but it's one that's shared by college basketball and football, and what those sports lack in quality of play and name recognition, they more than make up for in tribal/regional/school spirit. Two of the most successful existing MLS franchises have taken advantage of this kind of local pride — the Seattle Sounders are a mega-attended local phenomenon that draws 40,000 maniac fans to every game, and the Portland Timbers are the Sounders' foil and a locally beloved team in their own right. Soccer in America is thought of as an activity for healthy, active, culturally upstanding people, so it makes sense that the cosmopolitan coffee-drinkers of the Pacific Northwest would get behind the sport. And a Portland-Seattle rivalry is a natural fit.

Meanwhile, one of the few givens in an increasingly fractured American culture is that you have an opinion about New York City — you love it, you hate it, you want to live there, you'd never live there — and one of the few givens in American sport is that you feel a certain way regarding the Yankees, Mets, Giants, Jets, or Knicks. Specifically, you probably have an opinion about the Yankees. And look who happens to be a part-owner in New York City FC: the Yankees. With NYC FC, the league will finally have a Yankees, a Duke, the team that can be put on prime time without any concern for who its playing because the assumption can be made that viewers will see "NYC FC" and feel something. (In January and February ESPN basically becomes the Duke channel. They know what sells.)

Sheik Mansour.

Via: Wikimedia Commons

While the club still needs a stadium, players, uniforms, colors, and every other detail that makes a team a team — and so could still be terribly uninteresting, a badly mismanaged soccer version of the charmless 2013 Brooklyn Nets — its majority owner, English Premier League club Manchester City FC, is one of the biggest soccer brands in the world, and it has some experience in creating a massive presence in a short amount of time. After the infusion of Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan's money in 2008, Man City became one of England's major teams, winning the EPL outright in 2012. (One important caveat — MLS has a salary cap and the EPL doesn't.) Sheikh Mansour also gives NYC FC some lightning-rod qualities, like an autocratic Mikhail Prokhorov: as the deputy prime minister of the United Arab Emirates, Mansour has two wives and presides over a repressive regime.

If you're a Red Bulls fan aggrieved or confused or enraged about why I continue to insist they're not a "New York" team, don't worry: NYC FC could change that too. Few things create worthwhile characters more effectively than a rivalry; just look west to the Timbers and the Sounders. And all of a sudden, the Red Bulls are going to have a bitter rival, one that will be sexier, an underdog and a villain at the same time, truly occupying the nearby city that the Red Bulls pretend to. Meanwhile, people around the country curious about American professional soccer can watch two New York-area teams beat the shit out of each other along clearly defined Jets/Giants Mets/Yankees rooting lines rather than trying to decide why they would care about either Portland or Seattle. (Love you, Pacific Northwest: you just don't provoke much ire.)

As of right now, NYC FC doesn't even know where its stadium is going to exist, much less what the team will be like. That'll get done. Mike Bloomberg and New York have already welcomed MLS with open arms, and that's a major endorsement in and of itself; by making this deal, Major League Soccer proves that it's significant enough to dance with this caliber of partner. Soccer's first big surge as a spectator sport in the United States happened in the '70s when the Cosmos captured New York's attention. Its second surge could be on the way to the city right now.


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Pro Sports Team Tweets Out A Rape Joke

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This is why you don’t let someone else run your Twitter account.

Last night, during the Kings-Sharks playoff game, the Los Angeles Kings let Kevin Ryder of LA's Kevin and Bean radio show take over their twitter account.

Last night, during the Kings-Sharks playoff game, the Los Angeles Kings let Kevin Ryder of LA's Kevin and Bean radio show take over their twitter account.

Via: Robert Galbraith / Reuters

It became clear that was a mistake when Ryder tweeted out a rape joke from the official Kings account.

It became clear that was a mistake when Ryder tweeted out a rape joke from the official Kings account.

The Kings quickly deleted the tweet and issued an apology.

The Kings quickly deleted the tweet and issued an apology.

H/T Mashable.


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Golfer Makes Racist Statement About Tiger Woods

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Classy, Sergio Garcia. Classy.

Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia have had a bit of a feud developing of late. At the Players Championship two weeks ago Garcia and Woods were paired up, and Garcia accused Woods of making noise during his backswing to distract Garcia.

Via: Dave Martin, File / AP

First Woods:

"Not real surprising that he's complaining about something."

Then Garcia:

"He's not my favorite guy to play with, he's not the nicest guy on tour. We don't enjoy each other's company. You don't have to be a rocket engineer to figure that out."

Then Woods said that he wouldn't be calling Garcia to patch things up to which Garcia replied:

"He called me a whiner. That's probably right. It's also probably the first thing he's told you guys that's true in 15 years. I know what he is like. You guys are finding out."

Then at a press conference Garcia was jokingly asked by Steve Sands of the Golf Channel if he would have Tiger over for dinner during the US Open. Garcia responded:

Then at a press conference Garcia was jokingly asked by Steve Sands of the Golf Channel if he would have Tiger over for dinner during the US Open. Garcia responded:

Via: Richard Heathcote / Getty Images


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The Logistics Of Kevin Durant's $1 Million Oklahoma Red Cross Donation

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A sports-biz expert on Durant’s huge donation in the wake of the Oklahoma City tornado.

Via: Alonzo Adams / AP

On Tuesday, in the wake of a tornado that hit the city of Moore, Oklahoma and took at least 24 lives, Oklahoma City Thunder star Kevin Durant donated $1 million to the Red Cross to aid relief efforts.

That's a lot of money, in case you're someone who's unfamiliar with the concept of money. And even for a guy like Kevin Durant, who makes the maximum salary allowed by the NBA at this point in his career plus a supertanker's worth of endorsement money, it's still significant. According to Forbes' most recent ranking of the world's highest-paid athletes — a list on which he placed #34 — Durant made $25.5 million from June 2011–June 2012, $12.5 million of it from his basketball salary and $13 million from his endorsements. (Both of those numbers certainly went up for June 2012-2013, but let's stick with the completed fiscal year.) And because Durant's 24 years old and has only been on a big contract for a couple years, it's unlikely that he has either an enormous amount of money in the bank or is making a lot from investments or interest on savings yet.

So did Durant just sit down and write a check with six zeroes?

Basically, yes, said Mitchell Halpern, director of Sports and Entertainment Accounting Services at O'Connor & Drew in Boston, except it was his foundation writing the check. But that still means the foundation had $1 million to give, which it either raised in his name (through, say, auctions of signed memorabilia) or was given directly by Durant.

Since Durant will get a tax deduction for the donation, how much will it ultimately set him back? "Let's assume he did it directly, for a second," Halpern said — as in, assume Durant gave a million dollars to his own foundation, who then gave a check for the same amount to the Red Cross. "When he does his tax return" — federal, not state; it's hard to know exactly what Durant's state-tax situation is — "with today's tax brackets, he's well into the top bracket of 39.6%. There are a lot of assumptions to be made, but he will essentially get a tax deduction of $1 million, which translates, if he has $25 million income, into $24 million left of taxable income. The rate on that last million is 39.6%. That's reducing his tax obligation by $396,000. So, the million-dollar deduction ultimately is costing him $610,000."

Halpern clarified that the Red Cross is still receiving $1 million; it's just coming at an expense of about $610,000 to Durant, which is the government's way of encouraging charitable donations.

For perspective: let's assume that Durant paid about 40% of his income last year in various federal and state taxes. Someone who makes $50,000 probably pays about 25% of their income in taxes, all-considered. (PLEASE do not argue about taxes in the comments, unless it's to correct our math.) Durant's donation, as a portion of the income that Durant actually saw last year, is roughly the equivalent of someone who makes $50,000 up and writing a Red Cross check for about $2,000, of which they'd get $500 back at the end of the year after taking the cost of the donation off their taxable income. ($50,000 is about the median household income in the U.S.) Alternately, our hypothetical $50,000 earner could work to put together $2,000 through fundraising, since it's possible Durant's foundation already had the cash on hand from previous efforts — which he would've been involved in, of course.

Put even simpler, Durant's donation is just as generous as it first appears — maybe even more so.

Heat-Pacers Should Be A Great Series, And Miami Is Definitely Going To Win It

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Indiana is going to put up a really tough, fun fight against Miami, and they are guaranteed to lose. 100%. Put it in the books.

Via: Wilfredo Lee / AP

There's no reason to think that the Miami Heat won't eventually win this Eastern Conference Finals against the Indiana Pacers easily, because the Miami Heat have shown themselves to be, quite literally, almost totally incapable of failure. Erik Spoelstra's team has gone 45-3 in its last 48 games, which includes an 8-1 playoff run against Milwaukee and then Chicago. The story starts and stops with LeBron James, clearly, but he's doing his thing in a different yet equally compelling way this postseason, a precise and almost laid-back efficiency that makes you wonder whether he'll ever need to revert to the old, explosive LeBron James.

Compared to last year's title run, James is averaging fewer points, rebounds, steals, and blocks per game through the playoffs so far, but he's also playing 3.3 fewer minutes per game. And his True Shooting Percentage — a more meaningful metric that aggregates his two- and three-point field-goal percentage with free throws — puts him at 61.7%, a few ticks off his regular season level but also just a hair away from besting his all-time playoff best (61.8% in the 2009 postseason). In other words, LeBron has played exactly as his team has needed him to perform. It's as if he's saving up the mojo for when (and if) his team might really need an extra dose.

But the Indiana Pacers are a far more complete team than either of Miami's previous opponents. The Pacers frustrated and confounded the Knicks into playing some of their most uninspired basketball at a most inopportune time, and Paul George has been nothing short of a revelation, as his 19.1 points, 8.3 rebounds, and 5 assists are all marked improvements over the regular season. And an offense that has four starters averaging at least 14 points per game — Miami only has James (24.0) eclipsing that mark these playoffs — is perhaps cohesive and unselfish enough to find the gaps in Miami's D. If the Pacers are open to move the ball around and knock down the open shots that Miami may afford them, this series will be a scrap to the deciding contest, be it Game 5, 6, or even 7.

Via: Michael Conroy / AP

Moreover, the Pacers aren't going to fold. The entire ethos of their organization is to work hard and play tough, they've got nothing to lose at this point, and they aren't scared of LeBron, having taken a 3-2 series lead on the Heat in last year's second round. It's too bad that Miami has shown almost zero weakness this postseason and it's a mental impossibility to see Indiana winning, even in the most drawn-out scenario, four out of seven games, something that hasn't occurred in Miami's last 48-game sample size. To accomplish such a feat in seven games, let alone five or six, would represent one of the more remarkable upsets in NBA history. That doesn't mean the Pacers can't play exciting or competitive basketball for the duration of this tilt or even steal a game or two. They can do the former, and they will probably do the latter.

In the end, Miami will remember they're the champions and LeBron will remember that he's LeBron and a Finals defense of last year's crown will commence against either Memphis or San Antonio. But we can still enjoy watching him get there.


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Guy Who Just Recorded Highest-Ever NBA Vertical Is Coincidentally An Amazing Dunker

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Man, someone’s got to draft D.J. Stephens just for this.

@DdotJAY30 is D.J. Stephens. Still doesn't sound familiar? That's not surprising — not playing much until his senior year, Stephens put up 7.6 points, 6.6 rebounds, and 2.6 blocks for a good-but-not-great tournament-qualifying Memphis team. Those numbers are enhanced by the fact that he shot 63% (!!!) from the field as a 6'5" power forward (?!?!). Those preposterous stats stem from the fact that this dude is one of the best athletes in the 2013 draft class. For evidence, I present, first, that vertical number, and second, these three highlights.

D.J. Stephens Can Kiss The Rim

D.J. Stephens Can Kiss The Rim

Via: youtube.com

D.J. Stephens Can Levitate, Holmes

D.J. Stephens Can Levitate, Holmes

Via: youtube.com


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Playoff Game Ends With Nut Punch, 3-Pointer, Fake Game-Winner, Crazy Foul, Real Game-Winner

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It was an eventful finish for Heat-Pacers.

Via: Mike Ehrmann / Getty Images

Tonight's Heat-Pacers game, the first of the Eastern Conference Finals, ended with about 65 lead changes and 110 clutch shots, or at least that's how it seemed. Here are but a few of the wild events that closed out the game.

First, there was Heat guard Norris Cole executing the rarely-seen "pick-and-punch-a-guy-in-the-balls-and-roll" play.

With under 20 seconds left and the Heat ahead by two, the usually reliable Ray Allen missed one of two three throws. Paul George then made this running shot from what looks like about 28 feet from the basket to force overtime.


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Pope Francis Blesses The Boston Celtics

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Pope Francis was given a Celtics jersey with the No. 1 and “The Pope” written on the back at an audience yesterday.

Boston Celtics minority owner James Pallotta presented Pope Francis with a personalized Celtics jersey at the Vatican Wednesday.

Boston Celtics minority owner James Pallotta presented Pope Francis with a personalized Celtics jersey at the Vatican Wednesday.

Via: Gregorio Borgia / AP

The jersey's pretty amazing.

The jersey's pretty amazing.

Via: Gregorio Borgia / AP

Seriously.

Seriously.

Via: Gregorio Borgia / AP

Pallota is the president of soccer team AS Roma, who will play rival team SS Lazio in the Italian Cup final this weekend.

Pallota is the president of soccer team AS Roma, who will play rival team SS Lazio in the Italian Cup final this weekend.

Via: AP / AP


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What The Hell Is Colin Kaepernick Doing In This GIF?

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Try not to get lost in his eyes.

How To Handle A Workplace Setback Like A Grown-Up, NBA Edition

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Alternate title: Roy Hibbert, Giant Human, Shows Great Class, Restraint By Not Squashing His Dumb Coach’s Head In His Giant Hands.

Via: David Santiago/El Nuevo Herald/MCT

Roy Hibbert had plenty of reason to be upset last night. One of the league's best interior defenders, Hibbert was benched by Indiana Pacers coach Frank Vogel for the Pacers' final two possessions against the Heat; what resulted was LeBron James having easy access to the basket. On the first, a Norris Cole screen leaves the 6'2" George Hill on the 6'8" James, who torches him on his way to a simple basket.

After Dwyane Wade stupidly fouled Paul George on a broken-play desperation three, George buried three free-throws to put the Pacers back up. But despite the complete lack of interior presence evidenced on the prior play, Hibbert remained on the bench, and James, sucking George out to the three-point line on the inbounds, turned and cut inside for another straightforward layup.


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Chuck Norris Wrote Over 1,000 Words Defending Tim Tebow

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Yep, you read that correctly.

A surprising amount of people are genuinely upset over the fact that Tim Tebow is currently without a job. This large contingent apparently even includes actor, martial arts master and walking urban legend Chuck Norris. This week Walker, Texas Ranger himself wrote a column endorsing Tebow on NewsBusters.org.

If you care about that sort of thing, you're encouraged to read his entire screed, but if you want a few laughs here are the highlights:

Source: nbcdfw.com

Source: mashable.com

Source: pickthebrain.com


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This Might Be The Greatest Thing That Ever Happened On A Jumbotron

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I’m only leaving room for uncertainty because I haven’t seen every Jumbotron.

Some PR human sent us this video of Jumbotron buffoonery. It is amusing! But, more importantly, it contains what might be the greatest thing I've ever seen on a Jumbotron.

Source: youtube.com

Some cursory sleuthing reveals that it likely took place at a Thrashers vs. Canadiens game sometime in 2009. It is majestic. It is beautiful. It might have been staged, but I don't care.

Some cursory sleuthing reveals that it likely took place at a Thrashers vs. Canadiens game sometime in 2009. It is majestic. It is beautiful. It might have been staged, but I don't care.

This man's face is the Great American Novel.

This man's face is the Great American Novel.

The 13 Most Unusual Achievements In Sports

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Hat tricks are overrated. When’s the last time you saw a “Lawrence Welk”?

Everyone has seen a golfer getting an eagle or a basketball player achieving a triple-double, but there are a handful of other accomplishments out there that are less well-known, either because they don't happen very often or because they're just really, really weird. Here are some of our favorites:

Gordie Howe Hat Trick

Gordie Howe Hat Trick

Achievement: When a hockey player scores a goal, records an assist, and gets in a fight all in one game.

Origin: Named after Gordie Howe, who actually only achieved this feat twice in his NHL career.

Via: Walter Iooss Jr./Contributor / Getty Images

Golden Sombrero

Golden Sombrero

Achievement: When a baseball player strikes out four times in a single game.

Origin: A variation of a pitcher's hat trick. And since four is bigger than three, the rationale was that a four-strikeout performance should be referred to by a bigger hat, such as a sombrero.

Note: A "Platinum Sombrero" (also known as "Olympic Rings") is striking out five times in a game, and a "Titanium Sombrero" is striking out six times.

Via: Victor Decolongon/Contributor / Getty Images

Albatross

Albatross

Achievement: When a golfer shoots three under par on one hole. Also known as a double eagle.

Origin: An albatross is bigger than an eagle, which in turn, is bigger than a birdie. Four under par is known as a "pterodactyl." (Not true.)

Via: Sam Greenwood / Getty Images


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One Team Has Perfected The Post-Game Photobomb

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The University of Cincinnati baseball team is the Cirque de Soleil of doing funny stuff in the background of interviews.

Post-game photobombs are the newest trend in sports, thanks in large part to the Miami Heat.

Post-game photobombs are the newest trend in sports, thanks in large part to the Miami Heat.

And Chris Bosh's weird face.

But the Cincinnati Bearcats baseball team just brought the game...

But the Cincinnati Bearcats baseball team just brought the game...

To a whole....

To a whole....

Notha'...

Notha'...


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Mariners Send Down A Player Named Jesus, Call Up A Different Player Named Jesus

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Jesuses.

Jesus Montero has played 29 games at catcher this season for the Mariners. He's batting .208/.264/.327 — that's not very good! — and struggling big-time as a catcher in the majors.

Jesus Montero has played 29 games at catcher this season for the Mariners. He's batting .208/.264/.327 — that's not very good! — and struggling big-time as a catcher in the majors.

Via: Gene J. Puskar / AP

Jesus Sucre has played 14 games this season for the AAA Tacoma Rainiers. He's batting .302/.373/.321 — that's not bad! — and is known to be a solid defensive catcher.

Jesus Sucre has played 14 games this season for the AAA Tacoma Rainiers. He's batting .302/.373/.321 — that's not bad! — and is known to be a solid defensive catcher.

Via: Charlie Riedel / AP

And, according to The Tacoma News Tribune's Ryan Divish, Montero is being sent down to Tacoma, while Sucre is being called up. It's a Jesus-for-Jesus swap. There have probably been, like, Bill-for-Bill swaps, but there was never a Bill at the center of the world's largest religion. So, this seems more significant.


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Buffalo Bills Fan Gets O.J. Simpson's Face Tattooed Dangerously Close To His Penis

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He probably claims he didn’t do it, but if he did it would look like this.

Buffalo Bills fans are noted for their unwavering support of a franchise that frequently disappoints. The team hasn't been to the playoffs in the past 13 years.

Via: Bill Wippert / AP

In addition to the constant pain and frequent disappointment, Bills fans also have to battle the snow-filled Western New York winters, as well endless ridicule from fans of every team in the NFL.


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This May Make You Never Eat Stadium Food Again

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This. Is. So. Gross.

If there is one rule of being a food vendor, it's don't take the food into the bathroom stall while you're taking a dump. Apparently nobody told that to this Astros employee.

He has thankfully been fired, so this image isn't as disgusting as it could be.

Via: Shutterstock

H/T Joe Kinsey at Busted Coverage.


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Soccer Player Scores, Uses Shorts As A Wig, Gets Thrown Out Of Game

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Lookin’ like a fool with your shorts on your head.

In a recent soccer match, Muangthong United forward Mario Djurovski scored a goal to put his team ahead 2-0 in the 35th minute of the match. Then he decided to celebrate in the weirdest way imaginable...

He started off by removing his shorts, because DUH!

He started off by removing his shorts, because DUH!

And then he put the shorts on his head and did this...

And then he put the shorts on his head and did this...

Which unfortunately led to this...

Which unfortunately led to this...


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Are Kobe And Dirk Dead To The NBA?

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The 34-year-old Lakers legend, at home rehabbing a torn Achilles, is memorialized in an NBA Forever ad. Is the NBA closing the book on the Age of Kobe, and of Dirk Nowitzki, who was also honored with a commercial that plays like a eulogy?

The NBA released the latest installment in its 2013 "Big" ad campaign today: Forever Kobe.

Source: youtube.com

The ad memorializes the time Kobe rained fresh hell on Todd McCullough during the 2002 NBA Finals, which ended in his and Shaq's third championship in a row.

The ad memorializes the time Kobe rained fresh hell on Todd McCullough during the 2002 NBA Finals, which ended in his and Shaq's third championship in a row.

And it follows a similar spot commemorating Dirk Nowitzki's victory over the Heat in 2011.

"Nowitzki puts it up...puts it in!"

Source: youtube.com

Dirk and Kobe aren't irrelevant yet. Kobe averaged 27 points and six assists a game this season; Dirk, despite struggling with injuries through most of the season, managed to keep his relatively untalented Mavericks in the playoff race until fairly late in the process.

But these ads (both very well-made, incidentally) also come at crucial junctures in two careers that could be reaching their twilight. Kobe is 34 and needs to come back from an injury that has crippled old players before him; Dirk is 34 and discussing taking a pay cut to bring in high-profile free agents, a move that acknowledges he needs help. Considering the precipices these guys stand over, the NBA's decision to commemorate their pasts seems like a push out the door — if Kobe's still dunking over dudes in 2013, and Dirk's still draining those physics-defying fade-aways, then why are we looking to history for examples?

The funny part is that the guys it must gall the most are Kobe Bryant and Dirk Nowitzki. The notion that it's all over must KILL the ultra-competitive Kobe right now. Dirk doesn't make as much of an outward big deal as Kobe about winning-is-everything stuff, but you don't grind your way to the free throw line 10 times in 39 minutes against the Clippers in March with, at best, a playoff eighth-seed on the line if you don't still have some intensity left in you.

The NBA could easily make a gauzy commercial about LeBron or Tim Duncan, who both have more than enough past highlights to choose from. But the league doesn't need hagiography to remind us about LeBron and Duncan — they're still playing. At the moment, Kobe and Dirk are more useful to basketball for what they once were than what they are.


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This Is How You Stun A Stadium Of 21,000 Baseball Fans

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David Ortiz took 17 years to finally do this one thing. No one in attendance will soon forget.

David Ortiz excels at hitting, like when he reached out to poke a two-run single Wednesday night to give Boston an early lead.

David Ortiz excels at hitting, like when he reached out to poke a two-run single Wednesday night to give Boston an early lead.

Via: Jonathan Daniel / Getty Images

That's a 78-mph curveball that Ortiz poked the other way. Not a bad piece of hitting, but that's why Ortiz is making $14 million this season.

That's a 78-mph curveball that Ortiz poked the other way. Not a bad piece of hitting, but that's why Ortiz is making $14 million this season.

Via: brooksbaseball.net

What Ortiz is not paid for is his ability to steal bases, since he'd only swiped 11 in 1,860 games career games. Wednesday night, he made that 12.

Via: mlb.mlb.com

That's now one for every 155 games he's played — and this was the first time he'd ever stolen third base.

That's now one for every 155 games he's played — and this was the first time he'd ever stolen third base.


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